i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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