The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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