i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
