hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
