Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
