the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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