dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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