Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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