He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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