What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize