Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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