turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
