When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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