Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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