she woke up with a sticky ear
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
