I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
