1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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