Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize