I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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