Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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