Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
