fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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