Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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