I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i drank out of a bidet.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
