There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
