So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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