But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
