you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
