I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
