Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
