I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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