I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
