He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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