Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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