phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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