Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
