My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
