My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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