I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
