she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
