If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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