the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
