you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
