the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
