i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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