I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize