one might say we're banned from that church
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
