this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
