I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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