mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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