Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
