So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
