Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
