You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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